“The Power of Choice”
There are some things in life we have no control over. When you buy a house or rent an apartment, you look around the area, check the neighborhood stats, search for what you can afford. After looking at houses and apartments you finally walk into the one and say,
“I could be comfortable here”
When you go on vacation, you search for a safe, affordable vacation where you can relax and have fun. You choose where you live, often times where you’ve worked, you choose what you wear, what you eat. I mean let’s face it when a waiter asks, what we would like to order we do not ask the person at the next table, “What do you think I should have?” You have been making multiple life choices every single day for yourself since were a child. Good or bad you’ve made them. You have worked three quarters of your life to get to Retirement. Why when you finally arrive into your senior years and may be in need of someone caring for you, do you not want to be the one to decide on where you want to live?
We probably all know the answer to this but how many of you have gone senior living shopping? It is a rare occasion that I work with a senior and they say “I’ve been looking forward to this for years, sign me up.” Does it have to be a goal to move to senior living? No. But for as long as you can remember, you’ve chosen for yourself. More often than not, I would even go as far to say that 90% of seniors I have moved into senior living communities over 17 years did not reach out to me. They didn’t go online to look senior care or living options up (or their email would’ve triggered a referral at some point to me via a referral service.) Google is not a friend to all seniors. They didn’t call my community for information (which we know because a community would keep record of your initial call) They didn’t take a stroll up our block and stop in to get information. They actually look the other way in an effort not to feel they can relate to any of our residents sitting outside. Ignorance is bliss, let’s face it.
90% of my admissions happened because a child, a niece, a cousin, a friend, a lawyer or even a banker reached out because they noticed something is wrong. Often times the person they are calling about had a fall and broke their hip or their hip broke and they fell, wandered out in confusion and is in the hospital or rehabilitation and cannot return home. This can be for a multitude of reasons. Some of the many reasons someone can not go back home would include your house steps, your bathroom is on another floor, you need assistance with your ADLs (activities of daily living). You can no longer keep up with the cleaning and maintenance, you can no longer safely take your medications, the doctor at the hospital or rehabilitation does not feel you are safe by yourself, you can no longer cook for yourself (and no cereal and sandwiches are not balanced meals.)
Sometimes your loved one recognizes there’s an issue, most times they are being told you can not return home without 24/7 assistance in place or they need a senior living community. I can count on one hand how many times a social worker or doctor in a hospital or rehab told me, the senior actually suggested senior living for themselves. Let’s face it this is a chaotic time. You were not expecting to not go home and you certainly were not expecting anyone to tell you what you can and can not do.
Either way in these situations it’s happening and whoever is reaching out to me is going to choose for you. They are going to choose the community they felt good about. They are going to choose what kind of room they think you will like, what you can afford, who will assist and care for you. They are just trying to help you, they most likely have a family, a job and stress of their own. This is a very chaotic and stressful situation for everyone involved, more importantly the senior. Chaotic, traumatic events can lead to even more issues. All of your life you’ve been choosing and this most likely being the most important choice of them all and you often in those situations without research and/or a plan will have no choice.
I am not saying seniors should be skipping into communities in their area. There are some things that may be important to you, like that,
“I could be comfortable here.” feeling.
What feels good to you may be different for who is choosing for you.
I do have a high regard for those seniors that do research, visit and ask questions. They aren’t planning on moving to senior living but they are planning on where they will move if they have to. They know what areas they want, their budget or whom will take Their Medicaid. Because you are a private pay senior or you have Medicaid. One or the other and no in between. (Future blog on this topic)
If you are not in a hospital or rehab there may still be a need. Families reach out to me everyday for many reasons they feel like their loved one may need the support of a community. Maybe they recently lost a spouse (this is a traumatic time for the remaining spouse) maybe they are finding some medications on the floor near a chair, they notice you can no longer cook, so you are eating sandwiches, easy to grab foods, they notice you’ve been forgetful and they are worried. They come over or fly in from wherever they live to help find the right community and the hardest part of it all is when they then have to leave me and go talk to you about it. They don’t want to but they love you and are worried about you.
The other common occurrence is for couples. They have been together for many years and when one is struggling with health or memory issues. They do everything to keep their spouse/partner with them. No matter what, they want to be together. In a chaotic situation they most likely never saw it coming. They have managed it on their own until now or it is a sudden accident/sickness they were not expecting. Caregiver stress can break the healthier spouse down faster than the one they were caring for. Caregivers have taken on the care and stress of another person when they are seniors themselves. They rarely recognize that it’s happened until they have become sick and/or run down. Now one spouse is in a hospital/rehabilitation and the other is at home. The spouse in rehab can not return home. The spouse at home is relying on loved ones and family in this chaotic situation. What could be worse? Seniors that do not have family or have a niece or nephew far away and they can not or will not be there for you. The caregiving spouse is lost, nervous, convinced no one can care for their spouse but then. The spouse remaining at home alone or scrambling to move to senior living to be with their other half. This is typically a very chaotic situation. It is not one but two people to convince there is trouble on the horizon.
Now they are separated in their golden years, that wasn’t the goal, was it.
Though sometimes it is the goal. Mom is going to get hurt trying to pick dad up when he falls. Dad can’t take Mom snoring. One of them is exhausted because the other spouse suffering with dementia gets up at 3:00 am to get ready for work, if they aren’t on alert and ready to cue them to return to bed, he/she will one day make it out the door (AKA Wandering.) Many seniors move into separate apartments or their own bedrooms. One needs memory care and the other lives downstairs in assisted living and visits every day if they like.
Another common thing I hear is “Oh no, I don’t want to be in a nursing home.” Just an FYI Independent, Assisted Living and even memory care are NOT nursing homes. They are a much more homelike setting with a lot other amenities and freedoms a nursing home can not afford you. But the truth is if you don’t have a plan or recognize things are getting harder you will most likely have a traumatic situation that could then lead to you needing a nursing home. That was quite the opposite of what you were planning in your mind.
Caregivers, the power of choice and remaining together conversation (if that is the goal) can be a powerful tool when sitting and discussing senior living with one or two loved ones. Remember they’ve always been a team and now they are being told they need other people on the team.
I recently had a senior set an appointment, come to the community for information and a tour. I sat with her, showed her around, answered all her questions, she took notes, she had spreadsheets 😉 . When I followed up with her a month or so later she said “I have looked at a few places, I made folders labeled 1-4 in the order of communities I liked depending on what I’ll need, if I need it. I put the folders in my file cabinet and told my son, this is where they are in case you need them.” I commended her on choosing for herself. She didn’t move, she is not ready to or many never move. No one is forcing or pressuring her into anything. Maybe they are inviting her to events at the community. Yes communities invite you to show you what a good time they have, how good the food is etc. I am a firm believer these visits can often ease your anxieties about what you thought senior living was. This is a prime example of a calm search., a calm well thought out decision she’s made to be prepared. She has decided if anything happens and her family or herself needs to make a choice and choose a senior living community, shes the one that chose, because she had the power of choice, the whole time, like she’s always had!
It is not always the case that a senior will need senior living but as the saying goes. It is better to be safe then sorry…
Up Next- Senior Living Care & Options : 103 What are the Costs for Care & Senior Living. I don’t qualify for Medicaid. Wait, Do I?
Senior Care & Living: 101 