A few short stories/scenarios to help me make my point.
Scene – Close up on Mom who is in her chair and on the phone with her son about 5 states away. Assuring him she’s taking her meds, she’s eating, she really has little to no struggles. Her biggest frustration is getting out to the store. Laughing at the stories he tells her about her grandkids. Comparing them to him as a child.
That holiday time of year is upon us. Families preparing to come into town and see their loved one they have not seen all year or two with the pandemic. Which in my position translates to award season. The award for the most compelling phone performance goes to Mom. The Phone calls went well. Mom is eating good, shes cooking things she has not in years. How does this become a busy season for me? I meet with families and try to understand what is happening at home, understand their loved ones needs. Show them the community and in most instances move forward with an admission. These award seasons are my busiest times of year, feel like I need a red carpet leading into my community.
When Moms son and his family arrive from out of town for the holidays they notice moms fridge is pretty empty and not that clean, there’s some questionable items in there too. Her house is not only not clean it’s falling apart. While you’re sitting on her recliner and thinking about what your next step is you notice a few pills on the floor around her chair. Her bedroom has a strong urine odor (she can not always smell it)
How can this be? She’s been cooking food I haven’t eaten since I was a kid, why is she so thin. Wait, was she lying? How did I not know that? Why is she not being honest? It is not until his wife starts pointing out that she needs a care plan in place before they leave that he realizes she right.
They begin calling home health care agencies, the pricing blows them away. She can’t afford $25+ per hour, they can’t afford to pay for the aid. Mom is also not comfortable at all with someone in her home touching her things, telling her what to do.
Her daughter in law suggests calling senior living options. He begins making some calls in the garage while his wife helps mom with laundry. The call is made to someone like myself, an appointment is set. When we meet most often than not they were not excepting to show up for the holidays and find out every call was a lie, an elaborate performance. Once I sit down with her son and his wife and they have gotten through the initial shock of what Moms life is really like. I hear and learn all about moms or dads amazing phone even Skype performances. (Some stories I even imagine mom bowing in my head at the crowd clapping and screaming Bravo!!! )
And the Award for the lead female performance goes toooo- Mom
We all like to live our lives a certain way. For the most part we do not like when other people tell us how we should live, eat, clean etc. Mom in this scenario is just doing what most of us would do. Try to keep our lives in order and in a manner we are used to. Everyone has their own way. No she didn’t always live that way but this is what she’s become accustomed to. She’s trying to keep her head above water, prepare and eat three meals a day, clean her house, take all her medications, errands etc. She is doing this to remain in her home, remain independent and remain the matriarchal figure you know and love. She does not want her family to think she’s struggling. No one wants to hear that they failed and an aid is being brought in. Some strange woman she does not know to tell her how to eat and tidy up her house. She certainly does not want this woman touching her things or reporting back to her children. It’s unfamiliar and scary.
Even though Dad who lives in New York notices that he is forgetting things and he is not himself lately. He is still going out for a drive to run his errands because he does it almost everyday and “nothings going to happen, nothing has ever happened.”
There are some things in life that we just can not believe until we see or experience it ourselves and even then for some it’s “not going to happen again” Dad does not know that he’s about to get confused and lost. He wouldn’t go if someone told him that was about to happen. Unfortunately that’s not how life works. We can’t tell the future and we for the most part think we can do what we want until we physically see or suffer the consequences of not being able to do that anymore. Dad swears he is just a few blocks away, the car got turned around he’s lost his sense of direction. He continues to drive until he gets on the right course home. The family is beyond thankful to the The police officer in Pennsylvania that pulled him over for a broken tail light. He wasn’t expecting a confused senior from New York in his day, but he’s trained to work with him. Thank goodness Dad had his wallet and the officer was able to call his family. When his daughter arrives at the Pennsylvania precinct she is shocked to see how disoriented her Dad was. How did she not see that coming?
And the Award for Lead Male performance goes to Dad!!!
Dad who is steady, put together, stuck in his ways, routines. His family noticed some little things here and there but almost no signs leading to this. His daughter knew he’s not been himself but she never imagined this would happen. Quite the opposite she thought taking him out of his daily routine would hurt him.
This is a traumatic day for Dad and what illness he is struggling with. This trauma Dad may not be able to shake , in fact it can create a whole new level of confusion for him. He needs a plan, he cannot just be driven and dropped off home. He needs a 24/7 plan in place right now.
If something feels wrong to you, if you notice something with your loved one. The best thing you could do besides sitting and talking with them about what they’re feeling and experiencing is to get them to a professional that can get to the bottom of things, diagnose your loved one and get the right medication and care plan in place. Until this all comes together you need a plan today, your going to sleep at his house or he’s going to sleep at yours. Either way someone’s having a sleepover until a plan is in place for the long term.
What’s next would be having care in place while your at work, what your cooking when you come home to them at night. When you help to bathe her etc. who’s staying with them while you run errands. Siblings taking turns sleeping on Moms couch at night or until they get a solid 24/7 plan in place, home health aids at home or a senior living community.
When we imagine what will happen when we can’t live/be alone is that you’ll stay with your family. Well the reality is your family may not have a spare room, too many stairs, they work, their children’s extra curricular activities, nights out. I see some sibling have Mom at their house this week, her sons house next week and back and forth. While this may be an amazing plan and solution for some families, it is not ideal for all families and not ideal for all seniors. There can be many factors to consider. Like Mom does not want to keep moving each week. It’s exhausting her. She feels like a burden. She wants her own space. Her loved ones notice her confusion and forgetfulness is progressing with switching houses weekly.
Caregivers want to do the right thing by their loved one. Often times caregivers are trying to respect their wishes and not be put in a “home.” Until something happens to break this cycle which is often caregiver stress. (Future blog on caregiver stress)
Often times it is stability that will help your loved one. A stable environment, a consistent daily routine, medications (all of them) scheduled and on time administered to them. Three well balanced meals, hot showers, fresh air on walks, a fun activity schedule of things to do when they want to socialize with people their own age. Having their meals with other seniors their age discussing topics they each find interesting. Is this a senior center, an adult day program, bringing home health aids in or a senior living community that will bring stability and routine to your loved ones days will depend on your loved, their needs and it will depend on how much more the caregiver can take.
Most seniors play Starring roles in their own lives when they try to mask or hide what they are struggling with. Some are upfront about it to their family and friends. Either way they are depending on someone to help them get a 24/7 plan in place. A senior living community can offer everything and more your loved one may need in one place. A variety of visiting physicians, well balanced meals served in a dining room, medication administration, activities they enjoy, live entertainment, trips out, grounds to walk or sit and enjoy the beautiful day. The right community is almost like living in a senior resort.
Try to recognize little or big things about your loved ones changing health status. Try to have a friend or neighbor stop in to see them when you can’t. Your parent ensured you were safe 24/7 when you were a child and now it’s your turn.
If you feel exhausted and run down by being your mom’s caregiver then be your Moms daughter again and consider all the options that can bring her the quality of life, care and assistance she needs and deserves and most likely a senior living community checks all those boxes. Now when mom has quality of care and quality of life you in turn will have peace of mind.
Up next- Senior Care & Living options 105: What’s are the costs associated with care? I don’t qualify for Medicaid. Wait, Do I?
Senior Care & Living: 101 